Dear You, who could read between lines, but never finished reading,
I am not the same anymore. And you moved on as well. Living our lifes, those days on highschool are now just past.. Just history of our days that we used to live.. used to feel.. used to love.. But are no longer visible parts of ourselfs. Those parts that we never dared to say out loud from the moment it happened. Those parts that we both perfectly hide.
And I know you do too.. I may no be longer part of your days, of your present. Yes, you can say "You don't know me anymore." But that's it. I knew the hidden parts of you. I knew the deepest parts of you. I knew your pain, i knew your struggles. What we were back then wasn't just "two souls that didn't understand each other." We were two different poles that were pulled closer, but got hurt because we were too close. Magnets that can't touch without discharge.
We created our own world wihtin the world that wasn't like we wanted.. We created safe space where we could be what we felt like without judgement. That's why it hurted that much. Because it wasn't about breaking our friendship, it was breaking our world that we created together. It was breaking our silent promises that we never said aloud. It was loosing parts of ourselfs. And I know you felt it too. I know it because you may not show it, but you did feel deeply. But you were scared of crash. Youw ere scared that you will drown in it all. So you watched me drowning, from the safe distance, laughing and thinking how stupid I am, because I did it on my own. But it wasn't that you didn't feel it. Or that you felt it less. No, the truth is that youjust didn't allow yourself to feel it all. And it's still in you. It's still wihtin you. Archived. Deeply in black parts that you pretend to not see. But it's there.
And it all was real. It was more real then reality. It was our safe world. And we both lost it. It’s not about who did mistake. No longer. It’s not about who takes the blame. We lost it. Both of us. We both are the one to blame because the only safe space we had.. we broke it on our own. We broke it and pretended that it’s not that serious, that it’s not that much to loose. That we are fine without it, that we don’t need it. But we did.
And from soulmates we were biggest enemies real quick. From “Let me help you with the pain, youa re not alone,” were sassy responds that hurted deeper then we cared to see. From talking about the problems, the other one was relief, to talking about problems where the other one is the cause of it. From “I can’t live wihtout you,” to “Get lost, I am better off without you.” That’s not a win...
Now it’s just chapter that we don’t talk about. Now it’s just “oh, yeah.. there was someone like that.” we just don’t dare to think about it deeper. Even in the middle of the night when everything is quiet, we rather keep our minds busy. And that’s how it goes for weeks, months.. and now even years. Meeting knew people, pretending it’s meant to be, while we never feel that much deep conection as it was with that one person, we do not dare to mention even just in our thoughts.
Pathetic, that we got into a state that we can’t be honest with ourselfs, because of that highschool episode. That there are things we don’t dare to think about. Because what if we were really the ones to blame? What if.. we were the ones who really did mistake? Our pride too high. We can’t crash. We can’t break. No longer.. not.. again.
Rather.. not again.
But that doesn’t change, no matter how much we don’t want to see it, that I know you.. and you know me. And i am not talking about minds. No. My soul knows yours. Your soul knows mine. And when one of us is breaking, the other one feels it. No matter of distance... that we put between us. And maybe we are not ready yet to see it all. And maybe we won’t ever be ready to see it all. But the comfort you made me feel and the comfort you felt with me.. we do remember it. And there will be moments, when we will remember the person that we don’t dare to mention. Person that we felt with too deeply, and now is as deeply burried inside of us.
So live well. I will too. Do your best and feel good. Our paths may not cross again, but one day... we will see each other in the mirror, and we will have to uncover the part that we don’t want to be part of us. And we have to see the truth, matured in our immature memory.
‘Someone you once called Taehyungie’
Written by Someone you once called Taehyungie
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