Mr. Z,
How have you been? Are you eating well? Or still living off all that unhealthy food again??? I miss you so much. Are we really going to stay like this?
The trip is getting closer—only three months left—and I’m scared. Not of traveling alone. But scared of not being able to see you while I’m there. Even though every part of me knows we will meet, even though it feels written in my soul, I still get scared. Scared to find out you’ve moved on. Scared that maybe you’ve forgotten me.
I sent you a message once, but after a few days… I deleted it. Yes, “I started deleting again.” I felt foolish. I kept thinking: maybe I said too much, maybe I scared you by being honest about what I feel. And I know I was harsh in that message I sent just before your birthday. I was hurt. You had gone silent, and it felt like you were only answering me out of obligation. That hurt me deeply—more than I’ve ever let on.
What hurt even more was when you told me your “friend” wanted you to be with someone else… and then you disappeared. Of course I tried messaging you. You know I did. But you slowly stopped replying, little by little.
You know how my mind works. You know how fast it spins, how many stories I build in silence. I’m sorry for overwhelming you. I truly am.
But none of that changes what I feel. I think about you every single day. I imagine over and over what it will be like when I see you again. Because I still believe we will.
I don’t want to lose you. But sometimes I wonder… was it ever real for you? Was I imagining something that was never there? Maybe I was too intense. Maybe I loved too loudly. But I’ve never known how to love halfway.
I want you. I will always choose you. I will always wait for you.
Forget what I said before—that I wouldn’t wait, or that I’d move on. None of that was true. I was angry, I was hurting. But the truth is: I’ve never wanted anything more than you.
You are my first love. But not just that—you are the first person who made me feel what love really is. You and I already had a bond before we even met in this life. And you know that. You’ve felt that too. You helped me realize something so deep in myself: that I was born to be a mother. That maybe one of my missions on this Earth is to love, to protect, to nurture life. And it was through you that this calling awakened in me.
Sometimes I wonder if all this silence between us is just pride. Yours, mine, both of ours. I wish, at least once, you would speak clearly about what you feel.
Just once. Say something real. Ask me to stay. That’s all it would take. And I would. I would leave everything here in Brazil to build a life with you. I wouldn’t hesitate.
I’ve never told you this so directly before, but… I love you. With everything I am. In this life—and every other one I’ve had or will have—I will always choose you. You’re more than a person to me. You’re a part of my spirit.
I hope you’re enjoying your vacation with your parents. I know how much you love your mother and your family. That quiet, peaceful world you come from—I’ve always admired it. I’ve always wanted to be part of it.
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I arrive on September 11th. From the airport, I’ll go straight to the apartment. Maybe you’ll be there. Maybe you’ll give me a sign. Maybe we’ll finally stop being strangers again.
Whatever happens, please take care of yourself. Eat well. Sleep enough. Be safe.
And if nothing else—please don’t forget that no matter where I go or who I become, you’ll always be the one. The only one.
— Your Brazilian girl
Written by Yourbraziliangir22
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